backpacking trip

super fun!
six days in the snowy range
me and 8 other girls
and 3 women.
we put food, tents, and gear in packs
and headed out.
we only went a couple miles each day
but wow
i learned a lot about myself.
about who i really am
as me
and that i dont need someone else
and that im O K.
and just spent time rebonding
with parts of me i had let go
and i remembered that i should never have let them go
and that i was turning into someone i did not want to be
so im feeling a lot better.
it was beautiful up there.
it would have been impossible not to be healed

PUPPPPYYYY!!!

yes! i got a puppy!
it was right after i got back from my backpacking trip
which is another story
but i came back
and there she was!
waiting for me!
black, fuzzy, with a white chest and goatee
part lab
part terrier?
shes from the shelter
and shes named Daisy
shes four months old
and
weve had her five days
and
she knows sit, shake, lay down, roll over, and is almost house broken
wow
right?
i love her a lot!
shes my new buddy
so im buying her a spiked collar
^.^

reflections

you know
im not your dog
wolves mate for life
im not some bitch to be mounted
im a wolf
wild and fierce
loving and loyal
picking a likely mate
and sticking to them
because wolves dont like to be alone
they have family
and a partner
who is supposed to stand beside them
and defend them
and support them
forever.
and wolves who lose their mates
are left with a choice
take another
and risk it all again
or forfeit their packs strength
and possibly their lives
because without her mate
she is nothing
alone
just like all the other lonely wolves
im not a dog
i dont go panting after
whoever can offer me a treat
im not tamed and taught
to behave
because i cant think for myself.
i will not be so trusting
as to call the next hand
my master.
i am my own
wolf
and i always was
and will be

?

so i knew this was a human thing
to cast our mates off like blowing coat
i never imagined he was so human
so i knew this was a male thing
to pick and choose and play around
i never thought he could play so rough
so i knew this was a relationship thing
to shake us and grind us up
i never felt such unbearable loss
so i knew this was a likely thing
to lose the perfect one
i never knew it would actually happen to me

Poem of longing

i cant take it anymore

the cruelty of civilization

the emptiness

full of emptiness

pointlessness

and i can only watch

as it seeps into my story

and poisons the princess

and surrounds the prince

so their hearts are wrapped in barbed wire.

and i hate how they want to tame me

to mold me

to their molds.

where are the wide open spaces?

where is the fullness

of freedom?

the completeness

of being forever uncompleted

and free to develop?

where have i taken myself

to fall into this

dark and sharp and ugly?

why am i sitting here

beside the hunter

who has yet to clean his knife

from the blood of the wolf.

why did i leave the wolf

as he struggled to tell me

with his last breath

what i have yet to hear?

why did i follow the blonde haired babe

with her cloak of blood red,

red like the bleeding wolf

with his wide frightened eyes?

why did i listen

to her promises

that were as empty as this noise,

this crazy barbaric killer

we call civilization?

how can i get away,

get back to peace

to the wolves in their hushed, warm den?

how can i rid myself of this bile

this clawing in my throat

that holds me hostage

and makes me retch?

i know only

that it is killing me

slowly

from the inside out.

and its poisoning my ability to love

to live

and i need to feel the air again

and i need to love you

and i need to be able to live again,

i just want to live again.

i want to run away

and raise our baby in the mountains

where the stones will teach him what he has always known

and what they will try to hide from him

and what they are taking from me

and what they can never have.

we can never let them have it.

never let the wolves die

never let ourselves

be kept from living

the way we can live when we are alive

free from the poisons

and pains

and pressures

that kill us

every day

in this god forsaken

"civilization."